Gosh I can't stand this funk I am in. Headaches, not sleeping, sad one minute, happy the next. I've never been a depressed person, but lately I can't seem to make myself happy. My body aches. I know what is really happening with me. I am trying to stay strong, but some days well most days are hard to function.
I am longing for our referral. I'm sad my phone has not rang yet. I'm ready to become a mom. I have waited so long and just can't understand why we have to wait longer. Adoption was our first choice. We always new we wanted to adopt and now I'm rethinking everything. Why? This is where I wanted to be, my heart truely is in Ethiopia, then why does it feel so painful. I thought there were so many children that needed a home, to many children in the world that need loving parents. We are here, waiting to love. I know there is a bigger plan, and we can't see the whole picture yet. But goodness, I don't want to feel this way anymore.
We have planned so much around having a child that we have no other plans other then that. No money to go on vacation, saving all our vacations days to go to Ethiopia. Saving money for our adoption. We have Remodeled our house, sold our sailboat. . I don't want to go out for dinner anymore or stay up late. I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. Is that so wrong.. I just can't handle another week of this.. It's distroying my insides. This all sounds selfish, but we have been here for almost three years and still do not see an end in sight. We are close, but yet very far away. Everyone who has been in this process being a first time parent, I applaud you. I don't know if you were on medication. If so I want some....hehe....This is just today, tomorrow is another day. I just have to have faith that my pain will one day leave me. But I would just like to know when. Even if it is in the year 2010, I just want to know when, when we will become parents to our baby girl.......Sorry, I had to get this off my chest......Having one of those hard days....
Everyone I realize has a different journey and some painful. This is our journey. I just had to write this down, so one day I can look back and know it was worth every once of pain. I know it will be. I feel better already. Off to start this day over again. With an open mind and heart..