February 19, 2009

What is wrong with me

Gosh I can't stand this funk I am in. Headaches, not sleeping, sad one minute, happy the next. I've never been a depressed person, but lately I can't seem to make myself happy. My body aches. I know what is really happening with me. I am trying to stay strong, but some days well most days are hard to function.

I am longing for our referral. I'm sad my phone has not rang yet. I'm ready to become a mom. I have waited so long and just can't understand why we have to wait longer. Adoption was our first choice. We always new we wanted to adopt and now I'm rethinking everything. Why? This is where I wanted to be, my heart truely is in Ethiopia, then why does it feel so painful. I thought there were so many children that needed a home, to many children in the world that need loving parents. We are here, waiting to love. I know there is a bigger plan, and we can't see the whole picture yet. But goodness, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

We have planned so much around having a child that we have no other plans other then that. No money to go on vacation, saving all our vacations days to go to Ethiopia. Saving money for our adoption. We have Remodeled our house, sold our sailboat. . I don't want to go out for dinner anymore or stay up late. I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. Is that so wrong.. I just can't handle another week of this.. It's distroying my insides. This all sounds selfish, but we have been here for almost three years and still do not see an end in sight. We are close, but yet very far away. Everyone who has been in this process being a first time parent, I applaud you. I don't know if you were on medication. If so I want some....hehe....This is just today, tomorrow is another day. I just have to have faith that my pain will one day leave me. But I would just like to know when. Even if it is in the year 2010, I just want to know when, when we will become parents to our baby girl.......Sorry, I had to get this off my chest......Having one of those hard days....

Everyone I realize has a different journey and some painful. This is our journey. I just had to write this down, so one day I can look back and know it was worth every once of pain. I know it will be. I feel better already. Off to start this day over again. With an open mind and heart..

19 comments:

Stephanie said...

Erin I feel you pain. I hope you get your referral soon. It can be such a hard wait. Trust me when you see her picture it will be so worth it. I know that is hard to believe now, but someday you will know the joy of knowing your little girl. I will keep you in my prayers, lots of hugs.

Becky said...

Oh... I so understand and have the same exact feelings you do. I guess that is why I check everyday to see if you have gotten the call. I hate it when everyone tells me to go on a vacation because we too are saving for our trip and just want to be parents!

By the way - I have also wondered what or if others are on a medication because this journey is so hard (ha)!

Hang in there because I am right there with ya. Your day will come soon and I hope to meet your daughter while we are there!

jamullins said...

Praying for you and thinking of you today!!! Hope your referral comes VERY SOON!!!

Julie

Nate and Stefany Head said...

Praying for you, friend. You go right ahead and have a hard day. You are totally allowed. And, if I find out about that medicine, believe me, I will be the first to tell you. :)

Becky and Naing said...

I think you wrote this for all of us waiting. I'm having a bad week too. Not a believer this week in our referrals coming either. We are in the same boat. Nice to know someone else is thinking the same things I am. I hope both our phones ring soon.

Amanda said...

Erin, I so know how you feel. Just a couple weeks ago I was feeling the exact same way. Somedays just felt unbearable! Then poof! you will get that wonderful phone call, and its all worth it. It will still be hard to function, because you will spend hours everyday looking at the little face in your photos!

I know its coming very soon for you!

Missy said...

Oh Erin, I am so sorry you are feeling so down! I thought for sure that the wait would not go past 6 months, and now as families are at 9 months waiting it is very discouraging!! Your call will come very soon...this wait may be long and hard, but in the end you will be a mommy forever! (((HUGS!!!)))

Julie said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I am too, and it is no fun. Hang in there!

kay said...

We are I was glad I checked your blog today. We are from CHI also and close in line as well. I have been following your blog and checked today to see if you were feeling as emotional as I am. This stage is by far the worst yet. I just wanted you to know I understand your sentiments so well. A friend gave me this verse today and I am holding on to it.

This vision is for a future time.
It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
for it will surely take place.
It will not be delayed. Habakkuk 2:3

Gretchen Magruder said...

Thinking of you tonight, Erin....this part is so painful, but there will be joy one of these mornings!!

Annie said...

hugs to you...I do remember these days and my heart goes out to you. I spent a couple of days in bed and refused to answer the phone when the big referral group right before mine(that didn't include me) came. Your hurting is so understandable...three years is a long time to be on this journey.

The beautiful thing is that you will get that call and you will see her face and this pain will go away....and you will be a mama. Sometimes when we just can't take another day is when that call comes....

My scripture/thought for the day calendar from yesterday said: I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word, I put my hope. (Psalm 130:5) "Lord, it comes to me with renewed hope that the longest storm the world has ever known and the worst came to an end one glorious morning. As it happened for Noah it will happen for me. I will continue to believe until you quiet the tempest and send my personal rainbow."

Christie said...

I went through this exact same roller coaster that you're on now. I can tell you that the good days go by without notice and the bad ones linger on and on, like an illness. It's so hard to wait and wait...

But you must trust me...and believe me when I tell you - this will be the least of what you remember once you are holding your child. I know how hard it is...I really do. But the light at the end, is that you will never, ever regret one moment of this. And you will be so much wiser, stronger, and determined because of it. Going to Ethiopia will undeniably change your life. Take this time to ready yourself for the journey - because it is arduous - but so worth it. Over and over and over...worth it!

Hang in there!!

cb

Justine said...

I am right there with you. I am feeling so very frustrated and sad that another week has passed. I know that Fridays are especially hard and I'll hopefully be feeling better by Monday. You're not alone. I can only pray that we'll be celebrating together next week.

Christina Hubbard said...

Erin~

Thinking of you and praying for peace until your time comes! You are so right that we all experience this journey differently but know most of us can feel your pain. Praying a special prayer for you!

Tina

Renee said...

Adoption is so full of ups and downs it is crazy. We've been on a high for the past few weeks since the referral, but this morning I hit a really low spot... but I know that it will pass and once we have our baby home with us, we will hardly remember these tough times. My husband keeps telling me that everything happens for a reason (sometimes I want to hit him) but I know that is true- it is just hard to handle sometimes. Hang in there!

haze said...

There is nothing wrong with you. The lows of this roller coaster are horrid and painful. Thank God there is a Happy Ending to come.

Steve and Aimee Walker said...

Hope you feeling a little better. I think most of us have been through something similar. I would find myself getting angry and irritable when I knew we were close to referral and my phone wasn't ringing. Hang in there!

courtney rose said...

You got dangerously close to apologizing for having a rough day there towards the end of this post... and that, my sister friend, will just not do.

These days suck. Every morning I'm hopeful, every evening I feel a tinge (sometimes more) of disappointment.

We will get through this. We will.

xoxo

Autumn and Dan's family said...

It was so good to see you today. I'm so sorry this wait is getting so long for you! It is absolutely unbearable. I know there are no words of wisdom I could say that would make it ok, but I am thinking of you and can't wait for the good news.